Why does heaven seem so far away?

Album cover for Southern Gothic by Dan Tyminski. Displays dark shaded picture of man exhaling cigar smoke with trees in the background.

A few days ago, I re-stumbled across “Southern Gothic” by Dan Tyminski. In the song he cries out “With a church on every corner why does heaven feel so far away?” The question voices an ugly dissonant truth about the church in America. Church in the broader culture should be acting God’s will “on earth as it is in heaven,” but for all the churches nothing seems to be different.

Last weekend I received a call from a young lady I had not heard from in half a decade or more. I taught the youth group at church where she met John and was at their wedding. I didn’t know a few years into their marriage he committed adultery. She felt God called her, despite her wishes, to stay and forgive. She returned evil with good of forgiveness and reconciliation. After rebuilding trust, they started having kids. While pregnant with their second, it happened again – and he wanted a divorce.

“Why?” she asked.

The song continues, “This town’s got the good Lord shakin’ his head / Lookin’ down thinking we ain’t heard a word he said / A word he said”

Certainly, we can look at John and say, “he hasn’t heard a word,” but we would be missing God’s word to each of us. The call to follow Christ at all costs. She was like Christ amid suffering. She paid the price and brought heaven down to be at the doorstep of one who doesn’t deserve it.

Heaven came to earth in the person of Jesus Christ who took up the cross to bear our betrayal against him. The church brings heaven to earth when its people, like Christ, bear up the evil of the world in themselves by responding to evil with good.

The church is soft. In becoming a safe place we ceased to be a good place. We chose loving the self first and boundaries over self-sacrifice and turning the other cheek. The Christian walk has become indifferentiable from someone trying to live kindly. We are so fixated on pursuing dreams, feeling good, and being happy that we forget the cross is our hope.

Honoring Marriage

After the elections The Babylon Bee ran a great satire piece titled “Disappointed Christian Republicans Briefly Consider Placing Trust in God Again”.

Today the Senate passed the “Respect for Marriage Act” which would require the Federal Government and states to honor all marriages made by any state, including same sex marriages. It goes to congress for approval.

The Scriptures teach marriage as a covenant before God between a man and a woman. When California had the bill up for vote to allow for same sex marriage many Christians claimed that this undermined marriage. But before whom do we make our covenants before? Is it man? Or is it God?

Christians own marriages undermine marriage. According to a study at Baylor University in 2014 Evangelical Christians have a higher than average divorce rate.

Instead of showing any sort of outrage or contempt at any government stance on marriage we as Christians should look inward – we judge the Christians not the non-believer. Situations can be messy and I am far from judging individuals who get divorced. I am judging a lack of careful thought and wisdom on the part of the church. Decades of teachings on ‘choose the right person’ and ‘pick character’ have lead us to results we are seeing now.

We know we are Christians by our love for one another and not by our political involvement and positions. Perhaps we should start putting our faith in a changed world in following the commands of God to love one another and to start that love in our relationships.

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Apologetics of the Christain Faith

Apologetics is defined as, “reasoned arguments or writings in justification of something, typically a theory or religious doctrine”. Typically, in the Christian community this is thought of as knowledge or rhetoric used in a debate for Christianity. Books such as, “Evidence that demands a verdict” by Josh McDowell, the Institute for Creation Research (ICR), and grand presentations by Louie Giglio are most prominent.

I am dubious of the place apologetics takes among Christians. These Apologetics are primarily for the Christians bolstering of their own faith. The evidence for God and ‘proofs’ are not even secondarily for non-Christians – these apologetics may at best be tertiary for the non-Christian.

Paul says to, “Always be prepared to give an answer for the hope that is in you”. This could easily be applied to fine arguments, but context tells us something very different. The entire book of 1 Peter from which this quote is found, is admonishing the Christians to live peacefully in the circumstance they are in. We alongside them are called to return evil with Good.

Each person in their position is supposed to respond with quiet kindness. Our example is Christ who suffered because of our own evil and granted us good. It is good for us to suffer for doing good because we are then like Christ. It is from this very peculiar response, kindness in the face of suffering, that we are told to be ready to give an account for the hope that is in us.

In apologetics, at least old school, they talk of an attention grabber. The attention grabber for us is our behavior – a behavior so peculiar that Peter admonishes us to be ready to give a reason when people ask why we behave like we do. He expected the behavior to raise questions.

Peter qualifies how we should share the hope once we are asked, “with gentleness and respect”. God oversees drawing his people unto himself. We are not called to raise a ruckus – though I concede that there may be some called to speak loudly as an exception. We are to live, I summarize, kindly first. Fine arguments, dogmatism, bombastic speeches, though God may use them they fail the admonitions of Peter.

Live kindly and with respect.

Dating isn’t about getting married

“If you aren’t dating to marry you are dating to get your heart broken”

The statement above is attempting to highlight the pain and heartache of relational drama caused by casual dating and recommend against it. It presupposes that the cause of the drama is dating without the intent of marriage. This assumption is erroneous and the opposite is true. The drama is caused by forcing a unique seriousness on dating that doesn’t exist in close friendships. Dating isn’t about getting married at all. A wedding is about getting married. Proposing and the subsequent engagement is about getting married. Dating is getting to know someone while enjoying life.

The question, “do I want to marry this person” shouldn’t be asked. It creates far too much pressure with far too little information to support it. This would be akin to asking if you want a job without a job offer and no job description – and it’s the only job you are going to have. The question you should ask is, “Do I like enjoying life with this person?” if the answer is yes, then keep doing life with them.

The only question to ask ourselves on the first date is, “do I want a second date?” all things being neutral the answer is yes. You never know if the other person was nervous, just got bad news, or any number of outside circumstances. So, barring an obvious hard stop deal breaker or relationship killer, go for a second date. It is the exact same filter that decides if you hang out with friends. If you like hanging out with someone keep hanging out with them and becoming close. Friendship is your guide.

If marriage is not the goal then why would relationship killers or ‘dealbreakers’ matter? It only matters because we have limited time and resources. There are qualities in people that I put up with as friends that I do not want in a marriage partner. Whether you realize it or not by choosing time with one person you are choosing less time with another person or activity.

Consider this scenario: You are on a date and realize you have opposing views on kids. This would be a good reason to not pursue that person in marriage (though don’t be deluded, these feelings can change after marriage and then it must be worked through – you just want to start with as much in common as possible). But, you find out during the date that you both play tennis. If none of your friends play tennis, you found someone you can enjoy the activity of tennis with. Eventually you want to spend time getting to know new people because you haven’t met the person you want to be your spouse. You then must choose to spend time getting to know someone new instead of playing tennis.

If we date with the sole purpose of getting married, then when the person is no longer a viable marriage option, we drop them. It treats people like objects to fit our needs. If dates don’t end up in marriage, they become wastes of time. If the purpose of dating is enjoying life and getting to know new people then their value doesn’t end and the time spent isn’t wasted. It doesn’t mean we must stay best friends with them anymore than we are best friends with all our co-workers, pickup soccer game players etc. How close of friends they become all has to do with shared interests and time.

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‘love yourself first’ is love the way we lie

“You must love yourself first before you love others” is a lie based on psychology from the era of Sickman Freud and not scripture or historical Christian tradition. The popular ‘self help’ mindset of ‘love the self’ is counter to the gospel and obedience to Christ. Yet it is a lie we love.

Proponents argue, “The bible says, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself,’ because it says, ‘as yourself’ you must love yourself first”. The argument erroneously takes the subordinate clause, ‘as yourself’ and makes it the primary focus. The primary directive, “Love your neighbor” is glossed over. The sub clause, ‘as yourself’ is a supporting clause designed to support the primary directive ‘love your neighbor’. Each person takes care of their body, they eat when they are hungry, put on a jacket when cold, and drink when thirsty – we are to do these same things for others. The subordinate clause was there for those who would question what it means to love others. The primary directive remains love your neighbor.

Advocates of ‘love the self’ point to people who, ‘don’t love themselves’. The argument goes that they must love themselves before they can accept love. However, Scripture doesn’t tell us that we must love ourselves before we can accept love. No where does God say to love the self so that we can accept his love. The opposite is true. When we refuse to accept love because we have a negative opinion of ourselves it is because we are putting our opinion of ourselves over reality. It is pride and arrogance in our own thoughts. We reject God and hold on to our belief. The solution is not to love myself more but to think of myself less. Subjugate my opinion to reality and the gospel.

Again, what does it matter if I do love myself? I love myself. So what? Nothing happens. If I think that I must believe I am beautiful before I accept a compliment, then what is the point of the compliment? I already believe I am beautiful. This is arrogance to believe that the only opinion that matters is my own and no other opinion matters until I have the same one.

Finally, not even modern psychology agrees with the proponents of loving the self-first. Neuropsychologists and attachment experts Stan Tatkin and Daniel Siegel both profess that one does not enter healthy relationships by loving the self at all. It is, in fact, a focus on the other that brings healing and true human connection.

Why do we hold on so tightly to the idea that we must love ourselves? We want to seek our own good. It covers up how truly selfish we are either by holding to negative or positive opinions of ourselves. Loving the other first requires laying down our own lives for another—both internally and externally. We must give up careers, hobbies, food choices, and even freedoms. But what other response do we have to a God that loved us first?

Show me how Christ was loving himself first and thought of himself on the Cross and then I shall follow his footsteps. He did not. He thought of honoring the Father. How little is it to give up my own success, to be wronged, or just think not of myself?

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Pain and Suffering

The following post is disjointed and semi incoherent. I have left it as such on purpose. Incoherence and abrupt changes in the narrative when retelling a personal story is a sign of trauma. I have recently had multiple friends go through severely traumatic events. I have left my musings in a format that is I intend as an embrace to their stories.

What do you do when faced with evil and suffering?

I typically remind myself that when Christ returns judgement day will come and the wicked will be punished and the righteous will be rewarded.

But this answer begins to waver as I am faced with greater evil and suffering. The last year I have met those whose spouse cheated and left them, watched young people avoid the feelings after being abused and five women who had been raped. One of them was raped while I was in the act of praying for her.

The light of future justice becomes a dimmer and dimmer light in the face of growing darkness.

How do I continue to believe that God is good in light of allowing such evil? Evil that could have been avoided by a text and one other person joining an event. Such a simple solution.

I want to alleviate suffering. Because of this I have a habit of looking for people who are suffering to help them. I developed a habit of seeing more evil and bad than good in the world. I fail to see the blessings and good that God provides.

These things I hold to be true.

God allows people to choose for themselves.

When people sin it is because they are carried away by their own lusts.

God prevents us from sinning in many ways that we do not see.

We never know the whole picture of how God is working in our lives.

Pain and suffering is sometimes the only thing that turn us to Christ, and that will always be worth it.

But I wonder, how do I know that turning to Christ is worth it? What do I see now?

David laments the success of the wicked and the suffering of the righteous in the Psalms. He cries out to God in honesty as he looks at the suffering of the world. Why? Where are you?

But he declares, “I am confident of this, that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.”

If I believe this I must look for it. I must be thankful for the good that the Lord does provide. The sun, the rain, health, friends, embraces, prayer, and recall to mind all the past times he has come through.

I want to ‘do justice, seek mercy, and walk humbly before the Lord my God’

In response to seeing pain and suffering I want to do good. Treat others well.

I must praise God that I have been counted worthy to suffer for the sake of showing others goodness.

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Loneliness 1

Loneliness. You are not alone in your loneliness. And yet you are alone. So very very alone.

Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, TikTok, Twitter, Reddit, Discord and other social media platforms allow us share and speak with friends and strangers. Cell phones, Facetime, Skype, Zoom, Hangouts, and Facebook video calls allow us to see and talk to loved ones with the push of a button. Personal vehicles allow us to see friends in person at distances that would have previously prevented friendships.

Lonely. I am still lonely. I went rock climbing with a friend. We got dinner afterwards. As soon as she left a massive wave of loneliness swept over me. I live with family. I have a great relationship with my family. Yet I am still lonely.

Loneliness is a negative emotion that tells us connection is missing or broken. A good connection requires presence (the act of being fully engaged with the other person), and common experience (doing something, understanding the other).

For six years I relied on texting and phone calls. My close friends were hours away and my work routinely prevented me from seeing them. But it left me wanting. I wanted to be with them and not where I was. Now, even when with my friends I imagine and hope to be somewhere else.

I got used to my phone as a placeholder for human connection. Checking my phone gave a tiny relief to my loneliness. My phone was a very bad coping mechanism. I found out later that checking our phones impulsively is due to the brain being trained to release dopamine by checking our phones.

Even though I have consistent time with the my closest friends who are wonderful people I still have my bad habits. Silence in conversation? Pick up the phone. Think of something to say to someone else? Pick up the phone and text them. Can’t be funny myself? Grab my phone and find a TikTok.

We can change our emotions by changing small actions. Find the one small action. The easiest one you know you can change. It doesn’t have to be a magic bullet, but one that is part of the change.

Below is my train of thought that got me from loneliness to stop checking my phone.

I am lonely because I am not fully connected. I am not fully connected because I am not fully attentive and engaged with my friends. I am not fully engaged and connected because I have the emotional desire to be or do something else. I want to be elsewhere and do other things because the cell phone gives the false impression that it will heal my loneliness by connecting me to someone else (the dopamine burst).

When I go to my friends house I tell them, “I am struggling to focus on being here and not check my phone. I am going to put it on ‘do not disturb’ It will only ring if one of my favorite contacts calls. Other than that I am not going to check it. Please call me out if I do.”

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Processing vs Choosing

I enjoy figuring out the internal world of emotions, feelings, and how the past affects what we choose today. It is like a giant puzzle. I love reading books on how our brain is developed and how counseling brings coherence to our stories and changes how our brain functions. I am just about always observing my own thought and emotional process.

I lived with a gentleman that did none of this. It was rare that he would say something like, “you think I do this because of this?” Maybe three times in the entire two years I lived and worked with him. He just saw a behavior and changed it. If something made him mad he was mad. If he should not have been mad he realizes it and then doesn’t get mad again.

No analyses. No working through emotions to find out reasons causes etc. No mulling over why there is angst, pain, or hurt. He just accepts, “yup. That sucks” and then in a few hours he will be over it. He is perfectly successful and takes care of his fiancé and his friends well.

Typically this makes me uncomfortable. Most people I know that just decide to ‘change’ are really just ignoring issues. They don’t work through past pain and trauma and then their expectations and coping mechanisms affect me. I prefer my way. Or I did.

I mull over the same experience for weeks. I try and find the root of the roots, root cause. If I just find the past experience and base motivation then, maybe, I can change my feelings. This is a good skill in that I can usually communicate how and why I feel what I feel. But it is not good when the same issue keeps coming up over and over again.

Brain scans show that bringing coherence to past experiences changes how our brain functions. But if constant mulling over the past causes other bad behaviors, or delays change in behavior it can be bad.

God does command constant self evaluation. We are commanded to do good. God tells us that, “If you love me, you will keep my commandments.”

Sometimes does obedience take internal processing? Absolutely. Sometimes just choosing never seems to work. But other times we need to just let our feelings go, get over ourselves, and choose a different path. Choosing in this manner, like anything else, is a skill that must be practiced. But it is a good skill to have in the endeavor to live well and love well.

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To My Plant Friends

I love my plant friends. Walk into their house and there are plants. Everywhere. I am not a plant person. I am bad at taking care of plants. I just can’t keep them alive. I give them too much sun. Too much water. I am also bad at taking care of people.

Cameron would tell you this isn’t true. He recently told me I respond to him well. I listen, I only offer advice when asked. I care for him while respecting his autonomy.

I am good for Cameron. He wants to grow in a way that fits my methodology and thought process. He likes the amount of light and water I naturally offer. But I cannot say I am good at taking care of people because ‘people’ includes those who don’t think like me. They need different levels of sun and water.

God has recently been using a young gal to humble me. Constantly. She doesn’t aspire to the same ‘level’ of growth. She doesn’t want to work through past demons. She just goes through life changing habits without overthinking. Sort of.

I try to push and influence her behavior. But it never works.

She does have episodes of growth. She sits me down and brings up difficult topics and clearly states what she feels, what she wants, and what she is working on.

It has always been after my absence. Not my presence. Won’t talk for three or four days and then a sudden blooming of analyzed feelings and desires. I am more of a hindrance than a help.

She is the plant lady.

She grows on her own.

Paul tells us in 1 Cor that one person plants and another waters, but it is God who makes them grow. I over water and force sunlight and get frustrated when leaves wilt or get burned. But it is not my place to expect or demand growth. My place is to be good and do good.

Plants don’t communicate the same way people do. They tell you in subtle ways when they need water and sun. If you overwater they may grow mold. If you give them too much sunlight, they get burnt. When do we water and sun plants?

When they ask for it. It may be nonverbal. They may be unconscious in a ditch in need of medical care. Or crying and motion for a hug. It may be like Cameron who asks directly and clearly.

When we aren’t asked; we do good and shine as little lights for Christ. The plants that like to grow in sunlight will grow. The ones that don’t, won’t.

If they need space. Give them space. God grows plants in the darkness and the desert as much as the sunlight and the rainforest. Thankfully even those that we over water God gives grace to grow despite us.

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Tik-Tok, Tuesday, and Love

I want a good marriage. But what does that mean?

We are inundated with movies, tv shows, and tabloids that emphasize a hot steamy romance. It is fairly common knowledge that the chemicals underlying the passionate love dissipate between the 6 month and 2 year mark. Most towards the shorter end of that range.

Country artist Jake Scott released a song, “Love is the Tuesdays” in 2018. The song runs counter to the image of blissful highs and lows and emphasizes daily moments. “It’s not just highs and lows, and champagne toast, I’ve come to know that love’s not only the best days, or the worst days, love is the Tuesdays” Jakes song calls attention to the steady enjoyment of life with another person.

Everyone says this is what we want. The unexciting, healthy, committed, caring relationship. But do we really? I don’t think so.

Tik-Tok is both a huge time waster but also an app that shares stories of the mundane. Unlike Instagram that trended towards the perfect photo, the road trip adventures, and highlights, Tik-Tok emphasizes the mundane. Is your hair a mess? Doesn’t matter. Room a mess? Who cares. Lighting terrible? Not a problem. What do people watch? Literally anything. It is just a bunch of boring people doing boring things.

Every part of life is to be enjoyed. Work to play, exploring the outdoors, and significant events. All things were given to us by God. All blessings are from him. Learning to enjoy those things is an important skill for relationships.

Married couples on Tik-Tok are not shy showing off impressive spousal displays of affection. They are also not shy in putting arguments, frustrations, and partners foibles on camera. The husband rants about the wife leaving clothes all over and ends with giving her chicken nuggets. The wife complains that house work isn’t done or that she just doesn’t understand what he is thinking.

Are these cruel jabs? No. They are simple people expression genuine irritation underscored by a much deeper sense of love and belonging. Though much time may be wasted, at least Tik-Tok is counter cultural to our obsession with emotional bliss and Disney moments. Tik-Tok brings us back to Tuesday.