Developing from belief, to doubt, to love

The next several postings describe my journey from love to doubt and back again. I started off principally and without effort believing in people and my ability to love them towards that which is good. Various experiences broke down my faith people and my belief that my life makes a difference.

This has some bearing on an argument that I had been having with my sister and my mother for some weeks now. According to them there is a specific point in time when someone comes to a self-realization. A moment when they become self-aware of who they are. This point marks when they are an adult and able to make wise decisions and frankly, in a place to choose a spouse and significant life choices. My position has been that one is always continuously changing and growing. The moment when you believe you have arrived you have no longer arrived.

However, looking back I do see a distinct change in my beliefs that is a better mark of maturity. I observed and believed that my actions, feelings, beliefs, and entirety of life effects those around me. From something as simple as frowning or smiling in public, to larger items such as telling the truth verses lying. The mark of our life is how we respond to God’s love.

I am still developing towards that. The temptation is to view the mark of my life as how much good change I can effect in others. This is a falsehood for whether or not there is a good effect in someone else the good action I choose is before God.

Writing Your Life

I have journaled off and on since I was eight years old. When I was young, I just wrote about what I did and how u felt, happy, sad, excited. Playing outside with AJ, sad over the death of one of my chickens.

When I was in high school, it was dreams and a bit of drama from relationships.

In college, I wrote about all of the other people that I hurt. I wrote prayers regarding my struggle watching others suffer and not knowing how to help.

I would cry and be at a loss over friends who lost friends because of human nature, those who were depressed, lost, cutting, or just at their wits end from school. I was focused on others.

I recently read through the last two years of journals.

Post college it turned almost completely to issues with my girlfriend. Almost all of them were prayers of confusion a to marry or not.

Comically, after the break up they turned to dramatic woes and throngs of love and anguish for my loss an a struggle to deal with a broken relationship. As time went on they move more and more into centering on the pain in my own heart. Journals of praise and gratitude became more in frequent. Journals regarding my care for others, no longer written.

Even after an unfortunate event that left a friend with deep wounds, rather than care for her, my entries focused on how the situation affected me.

I am embarrassed of these sections. I am tempted sometimes to remove them. But I keep them as a reminder. As they how were my focus really is.

We don’t get to write out our lives. We don’t decide what decisions other people make or how it affects us. But we can always choose how we respond and what we focus on.

How will you write out your life?

I am going to re write whatever happens to me as care for others. Not myself.

Thought of the Day

The Thoughts of The Day

“Man is no greater than the greatest thought of his day” Therefore the greatest day we can have is one of God. When we think and imagine who God is, then we are thinking of what is the creator of perfection and redemption for the rest of the world we live in.

The depth of our lives is defined by how well we take that image of God and apply it to the world around us. This requires us to know who God is and understand how we take his identity and apply it to our daily lives. This requires a knowledge of Scripture and a connection between our world and Scripture.

Unfortunately it isn’t always obvious that the world that Scripture is talking about is the exact same one that we see, taste, touch and smell. It seems disconnected and removed. And it would be if it had not been for the Word becoming flesh and living along side of us. So I encourage you this day to think of the highest thought of the day. God having such mercy and compassion in the face of brokenness to come, experience it as one of us and taking all of what is wrong with the world on himself.

Internal World

On Wednesdays I am going to be going over ones internal world. How we think and respond internally to outside stimulus. Granted, of all the days that I will take a break it will be this one. My focus should be outwards on others first. When I think to much about how, “I feel” “I learn” “I think” “I grow” it turns me inward. When we are supposed to be turning out towards others and up towards God.

Granted, there is a time when it is appropriate to ask ourselves about our behavior and the internal world that may be causing that. However, the motivation for why we change should be because of others. I look to see why I get mad at little things through out the day because I do not want my anger affecting others negatively.

The other side of this is that if we think to much, it will never top. We can constantly ask ourselves what our motivation is. We can constantly question if we have good or bad motivations to act certain ways. But eventually that is pointless. What matters is how well we treat others. Look at your actions and that will tell you who you are.

Furthermore as a Christian I know that God is the only one that truly knows my heart and it is before Him that I will stand in judgement for every choice I have made. He is also the one that is working in me to change my heart to be more like his. So my internal struggle need not fret and worry, but seek his cleansing changing power.